The Beginning of and End.

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Yes, I am very well aware that tomorrow is a new day, there is always someone worse off than me, it could definitely be worse,  and it will probably all be ok….. so why can I still not stop and smell the roses?

I thank my lucky stars everyday, but I (alongside many people with anxiety and high levels of stress) appreciate the value of what I have by spending more time fearing to lose it than what I do actually enjoying it.

Two weeks ago, I was driving an hour long journey along the main highway with my son in the back seat of the car. It wasn’t until I felt both of my palms drenched with sweat that I came to the realisation that I was gripping on to steering wheel with dear life, and sitting so close to the steering wheel as if my seat had no back rest. It was at that moment I realised how much stress and anxiety had riddled me. I was driving in a stiff state of fear without even realising – this was the constant tension of my body and mind had come to!

For some reason (above any other) this was the moment that made me realise how far deep I had become in my own mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely am able feel moments of happiness every single day. My husband constantly makes me laugh and never fails to show how much he loves me, my family are amazing, close friends and I could talk for hours on end and I love every second of it when we get together, and my son… oh my gosh he has shown me this crazy love I didn’t know could exist! That child seriously has the ability to give me insane happiness every time I look his way!

Though, because I am feeling moments of happiness – does that make a happy person? Are snippets of day to day moments that ‘top you up’ until the next moment enough to satisfy a completely fulfilling life? All I can ever remember about myself is being ‘highly strung’, almost to the point that people around me could say its just in my nature. Though, at what point have my personality traits been invaded and dominated by the big A&S? (anxiety and stress.)

Within myself I come to a point where enough is enough. I am sick and tired of worrying endlessly about things that either haven’t even happened, or are completely out of my control. As a consequence (or one of), I ultimately then have no willpower or common sense to be able to deal with bumps in the road when they do arrive.

This journey is about finding the happiness within myself, without having to rely on what’s around me to feel it. I am desperate to get rid of these invaders and get my life back, so I can 100% enjoy the here and now I am so very lucky to have in my life.

Its war.

C xox

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